Childwickbury Wake

Kym read out her thoughts and memories of Toby:

"So he has finally done it. That which we anticipated, were frightened of , and felt was imminent on so many occasions, has actually happened. And in true Toby - style in a predictably unpredictable way! I cannot help but feel that in the end, having fought and lived with his cancer for nearly 11 years, Toby would feel a certain glee and triumph that in the end it didn't get him. It wasn't after all what killed him. Instead he died doing something he loved with a passion and, never one to sidestep his vanity, I keep hearing him say with that passion and mischief of his "oh come on Kym, it's a bit more rock and roll, isn't it??!"

Like all of you, I have been flooded by memories of Toby in the last 10 days. Despite the fact we were separated , we saw eachother frequently with the inevitable ups and downs that entailed. Several of you have spoken to me since his death of your regret at not having returned Toby's calls in the last few weeks. I guess it is inevitable that we should all be left with regrets of that kind.

I want to speak of what I consider Toby's greatest gifts. Probably, his greatest gift was his ability to inspire great love, and to deliver it. The number of us here today is testament to Toby's talent for loving and making friends. When we were still together, this could lead to consternation and delight on my part in equal measure, since those of you who know me well will know me to be somewhat more reserved!

Toby had the wonderful ability to make you feel that when you were with him, you were special and to experience Toby on good form was just magical. Equally , I am sure that many of us will have experienced the feeling of bewilderment as Toby would enact one of his famous 'disappearences' usually without word and sometimes for days or weeks at a time. Yet he would always be back, and we always forgave him, how could we not? He was irrepressible , and we loved him.

Let me tell you some of the things that come to mind as I recall the man I knew.

The Cinema experience - coming out from horror, sci-fi, action or drama black-and-blue as Toby writhed around in his seat caught up in the action and using his companion as anchor to his involvement

Red Wine - vanilla, oak-aged

Home-made compilation mini-discs of his favourite music, interspersed with Film dialogue (usually obscure)

Barbra Streisand, Gong, and Bruce Cockburn

Being sung the lyrics of musicals - particularly the sexist ones just to wind me up

Funny drawings and cartoons on the fridge - usually on important documents!

Late-nite text messages - most likely just as you've dropped off to sleep

Stuff, clutter and junk. Toby was one of the mosrt supremely disorganised people on the planet, as many of you who have lived with, or alongside him over the years will testify!

Badges - Toby's favourite quip after anything from a medical intervention to a bungee jump was "do you get a badge with that?"

Being hugged - possibly the most tactile person EVER !! Toby was never backward in coming forward!

His talent for being both very opinionated and entirely non-judgemental. If ever you felt bad about something you had said or done, Toby was your man to provide both comment and to champion your cause as your friend.

Life was an intense and passionate encounter for Toby that he engaged with full-on. Full of extremes and contradictions, hopes and despairs, what I will remember Toby for most is his wonderful humour and wit, his ability to give and receive tremendous love and his absolute adoration of Joel and Hope.

Whatever issues Toby and I had as a couple, my life is richer for having been with him, and I loved him."